I Have Not Changed… You Just Never Knew Me…


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Over the years, as I have come into myself, I have gotten ridicule from those who have known me for some time.  Most of the ridicule comes from family members who knew me during a time where I was very vulnerable.  During this time, I was largely dependent upon others to dictate the who, the what, the why’s of my life.  Truthfully speaking, at times, I don’t know if I could have made it in this world without the influence of these very people, which makes my life’s transitions that much more difficult.  But the reality is, whenever you are under the rule of someone else, you’re under the rule of someone else.  You can’t be yourself.  So when people from my past confront me, with expectations associated with how I’ve changed, my response is and always will be the same… I have not changed… You just never knew me…

You see, whenever a person has the power to control you, there is a certain element of yourself that you just have to give up in order for the control to prevail.  If you’re not in a position to do better for yourself, then you have to be the one that sits back and takes whatever is given to you.  But what you often find in circumstances such as this is that the person who is in control often exploits their power and this often comes at the expense of the person being controlled.  On the contrary, the one who is being controlled has to suppress their own power so that they can take their rightful position at the bottom of the hierarchical system.  The person being controlled secretly desires to reveal their true self and to make their own choices but fears doing so as a result of the anticipated feelings of rejection which will come from the one who is in control.

Examples of such relationships include relationships with overbearing parents who interfere with their adult children’s lives, spouses who are emotionally, physically, sexually and financially abusive of their spouses, and wealthy people who contribute to those less financially fortunate in return for their ability to exercise a form of dictatorship over them.   These relationships sustain themselves in order to support the purposes with which they hold.  The one in control has the ability to have their way and exercise control over the other.  The one being controlled is dependent upon the resources of the person in control, some of which includes decision-making, image, money, leadership, etc.  These relationships can easily sustain themselves for a lifetime, if neither party gets tired of their roles…

But what happens when one of them does…

Because the one in control is usually benefiting the most, they are the least likely to want to relinquish their power.  They often remain oblivious to the damage that they are causing the other person and usually justify these feelings which concepts such as “I’ve done so much for them…”  This then requires that the person being controlled to take a stance and exercise agency over their own ability to make decisions for their lives, often requiring force to do so.  This is usually met with some level of resistance or conflict, due to the threat of the one being in charge, no longer being able to be in charge.  Despite the resistance, successful independence can be achieved…  This is certainly I experienced when I changed…  Ooops… As I’ve already acknowledged…

I have not changed… you just never new me…

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One of my favorite singers, the fabulous Lauryn Hill said that Anything that Doesn’t Grow is Dead…  therefore, it is imperative that if you want to have breath in your lungs, blood in your veins, and life in your body, YOU HAVE TO GROW.  You grow in ways that suit you and will make you a better person.  Life is a cycle of change… it is continuously evolving and you should be too…  For those who cannot handle your change or are unsupportive of your change… that’s up to them… but you are worth every bit of sacrifice, pain, suffering, confusion and whatever negative circumstances that you have to go through that will make you a better person.

God made us each the way in which we were supposed to be.  Jeremiah 1:5 reads Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.  God knew who you were going to be, before you did, before you were even in your mother’s womb, before your mother even contemplated creating you…  Surely being you is enough.  If the people who are in your life cannot acknowledge the real you, then it’s those people who are at a loss… Don’t let the loss reside within you…

If you are on the verge of letting the world meet the new you, let’s take a moment to review a few quick strategies.

Ask yourself who you are

This can be difficult to do especially when you are confused by who you are.  Review your experiences, your relationships, and your perspectives on life’s circumstances.  Each of these factors is combined to make you who you are today.  After closely examining them, take an honest look at the person that emerges from these concepts.  This is what defines you and makes you who you are.  Then create a life for yourself that encourages you to be you.

Surround yourself by people who will encourage who you are

Trust me, while we are all different, there are people who e a closer to you then you might think.  Often times, people assume that they have to be close to their families first.  But the problem with family is that these people are the people who are in your life, whether you want them to be or not.  This means that they might not be ready to make the necessary changes that you are.  Certain family cultural norms often prohibit ones pursuit to individuality.  Hence, while you should never abandon your family, if your family is not supportive of the real person that you come into as you grow, they shouldn’t be the ones that you should be dependent upon to foster your individuality and authentic self.

Avoid people who are in opposition to who you are

Again, this could very well be your family, but this could also be seen in intimate relationships with significant others, old friends/acquaintances and/or classmates.  Basically, anyone who isn’t on Team _____________________ (whatever your name is) shouldn’t be allowed to board your bus.  They’ll only bring you down, and cause you to experience doubts and insecurities which will prohibit you from being your best self.

Be yourself no matter what

As you come into yourself, you will find that people and circumstances will try to persuade you.  Don’t fall for it.  You are special just the way you are.  You shouldn’t have to change that level of specialty to meet the needs of others…  Be yourself, your true and authentic self, and you will attract the people and lifestyle that will encourage you along your way.

I hope that if and when you are faced with an opportunity to introduce a better version of yourself to the world, that you can do so with a sense of ease and comfort along the way.  I hope that I have in some way tried to encourage this very concept within you.  And if and when someone ever challenges the new you and accuses you of changing… Just remember…

I have not changed… you just never knew me…

Authenticity, Discipline, Happiness, Inspiration, Ladyhood, Personal ,


  1. I agree completely that you should always be yourself. Changing yourself for other people is never a good idea. Thanks for the blog comment, returning the favor :)
    Frugal Foodie in WV recently posted…Frieda’s Speciality Produce Black-Eyed PeasMy Profile

    • ladyhoodjourney ladyhoodjourney

      You are super welcome Frugal Foodie… I’m glad that you agree :)… I love Black Eye Peas and I”m coming your way real soon :)

  2. What a great post! You made so many enlightning points. I am glad I found your blog.

    Madison recently posted…Staying strong and forgiving myselfMy Profile

    • ladyhoodjourney ladyhoodjourney

      Hi Madison, I am glad that you found me also and I appreciate your support and feedback. I look forward to checking you out very soon :).

  3. Very informative! thanks for this.

    • ladyhoodjourney ladyhoodjourney

      Hi Diana!
      I”m so glad that I could share some enlightenment with you. We as women need to do more of this for one another :)

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